"Wallz....Wallz"
"...no...no...I'ts alright Eddie I'll fill in for Steve"
I raise my weary head to look through unfocused eyes at a slightly worried looking wife. She points to the curtains.
"There's a massive spider on the curtain"
Looking over I see a tiny black spot on the curtain, muttering some sort of acknowledgement I put my head back on the pillow.
"I didn't know what to do, cause I didn't want to wake you up as I'm sure their counting on you to save the gig...."
"Mummmbererearrrable" I mumble as way of saying I'll take care of it.
".....but I didn't want to just leave it and you not know it was there." With that she lets out a relieved sigh "Right I'm off to poach me some eggs!" and walks out the door.
I close my eyes and start to nod off, I've got to tune up and meet Iron Maiden on stage in a minute.
Cujo wakes me a minute or two later. She has sneaked into bed and has decided I'm taking up to much space and will make more room by repeatedly kicking out her hind legs into my gut.
"GET DOWN!" I shout at the dog, followed by "Blergaraggghghghghghghahhhaha" as I see a shadow of a spider taking up the whole of the far wall. I suspect that it is the later sound that actually made the dog move.
Well as I'm now fully awake I best get up and deal with this spider, still looks bloody small from the bed. Although getting up and with a closer inspection of the curtain one can infact tell that it is bloody massive. It's just it's silhouette so it must be on the other side by the window. Including it's leg span it's probably about the size of my hand. It's legs are longer comparatively to it's body (which is still huge!) so it's probably a male[1] and given that it's mating season he's probably just been out looking for some freaky eight legged spidy sex. Oh well bub lets get you out of the way so you can be on your way looking for spider poon. I plod out of the room to find a container to scoop him up into and return with one. Then leave and return with a bigger one.
I open one curtain to get it out of the way then slowly lift the other and peek round it to look at the spider. Except it's not there. Well that's nor right, there is something definitely disturbing about suddenly not knowing where a spider is when your hunting one. You know that there's one around somewhere, you just don't know where. What if it knows your hunting it and has decided to turn the table on you like John Rambo did to Sheriff Teasle and his deputies. What if right this minute it's crawling up your back to sneak into your ear and bite you, they say that their bites aren't deadly but what if it's biting the inside of my ear, that can't be good can it. Or what if it's jumped into your hair, it could be in their laying eggs so they bursrt open and cover your head with spiders.
I look up and down the curtain then gently have a look round the front. No it's shadow is definitely there. I look at the back of the curtain, it's not there. Humm. I repeat the process several times before reaching the following conclusion either he has a Stealth Boy equipped or he's a ghost.
Letting the curtain go I walk back round the front of it and give the spider shadow a good hard staring. Humm, is this real? Is it even really there? I give it a gentle prod with my finger and it explodes spectacularly legs fall off and liquid oozes out of it. Wow. I really didn't poke it that hard, I look at my finger, "I shall name you spiderbane; bards will sing of your mighty power". The spider appears to of crawled up between the two material parts of the curtain and I gently prise them appart and he slowly falls out the bottom where I gather his body up and transport him for burial at sea[2].
1. Males of the species Tegenaria Duellica[1a] (common house spider) have long legs compared to the body and females have large bodies compared to the legs.
1a Yes I did have to look up the genus name but I did know how to tell the differance between male and female.
2. Toilet.
