The Longest Day
BeepbeepbeepbeepSMASH “shaddaup”
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BeepbeepbeepbeepWACK!!SMASH!!! “…jushfivemore….min…ats….”
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Beeepbeep “Alright already I’m up..I’m up!” I turn off the alarm and get out of bed “stupid indestructible alarm clock”.
It’s cold. Oh so cold. I slowly sort out my cloths for work and lay them out on the bed next to my mobile phone and key card for work then pad through to the bathroom turning on the shower. I let its warm welcoming water wake me up then head back into the bedroom and get dressed. I head down stairs to get some breakfast but there isn’t time if I want to make it to work on time. Stupid alarm clock why didn’t it wake me. So I grab my coat and head out to the car.
As I start the engine, I don’t know why but I check my pockets to make sure I have everything; I don’t. My phone is missing so I head back to the house to get it.
“Yeah. That’s where I left it.” I gesture to the end of the bed. “So where the hell is it?” The thin air[1] doesn’t seem inclined to answer me, so begins a search of the house from top to bottom which ends in me not finding the phone and being late for work.
The morning passes pretty uneventfully as I get equipment ready to take out in the afternoon to do some pressing jobs. With the exception that to get the equipment from stores I have to do our stores man a favour and help him bring down 20 PCs from the third floor. He doesn’t know how or why they are up there they just are, apparently. The person we’re meant to be getting them from isn’t there so we ask his co-worker were they are.
“I need to see some ID before I can let you have them.” Comes his nasally reedy voice. A flash of some ID appeases him. “I’m sorry but I have to ask everyone. Because security is everyone’s responsibility. I ask everyone. I mean everyone.”
“Yeah that’s great and all but can I get the PCs?” I ask.
“Yeah I’ll ask anybody for ID I don’t care who they are” He babbles on. I really have no earthly idea what the hell he is on about. I let him continue for about another ten minutes before I finally get an answer to the PC question and of course he can’t give them to be because he doesn’t know and we’ll have to come back another day when the guy who knows where they are is back in, of course he doesn’t know when that guy is back in.
Come the afternoon and I finally get out on the road and Dio is telling me it’s heaven and hell. I’m finally relaxing a bit when I pull into the car back of my second to last job. I exit the car and lock it. Well attempt to lock it any way by blipper for my central locking system isn’t working. The batteries must be on their way out so I lock the car manually and go inside. After a meeting with someone who is making about as much sense as a crack smoking George W. Bush I return to my car, unlock it and start the engine.
“Yeeeeaahhhhh, forgot you had an immobiliser didn’t you.” I mutter as I bang my head on the steering wheel in annoyance. Lifting my eyes I see a small boy child watching me with mild amusement on his face. I rub and press the blipper
“come on baby” I mutter as I press the unlock and the green light on it lights up. I turn the key the engine starts! The immobiliser kicks in the engine stops. I say several obscenities to the great amusement of the child.
“I am not going to let this happen to me” I think to myself. “I am not going to become some car park amusement for small children, having to spend the rest of my life living of the scraps of food that they give me if I amuse them like roman nobles and their gladiators. Well you little grot I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next!”
I furiously rub the blipper on my trousers to try and get it working. Of course this would be the moment that the child’s mother decides would be a good idea to show some previously lacking parental skills [2] and come to collect the child. Now apparently if you’re outside a car and someone is furiously rubbing a key blipper on their trousers it looks like they are doing something a bit different. I know this as she put her hands over her childs eyes gave me a look of absolute disgust and led the child away.
Just like The Animals I got to get out of this place. I offered up a prayer to the machine god and tried the blipper. It locked the car, it unlocked the car, I was in business the engine started and I was away.
I stopped my car at my last job, this was probably a bad idea given the trouble at the last place but I had a car full of expensive computer equipment I didn’t want on display. So I got out of the car and tried the blipper, no dice. Ok I would have to be quick then there is a grace period before the immobiliser kicks in. I get the PC out of the car, there is still the large laser printer to still take in. I lock the car and rush into the building.
At the reception there is a queue, so I try to skirt round it and go into the office behind reception but the door is locked. Tapping it gently with my foot gains the attention of one of the girls in the office I heft the computer in her direction, and she looks down and continues typing away. I tap again a bit louder. I’m ignored. So I go back to reception the queue has at least gone down there is just an old man at the desk. Just one old man. Oh yeah just one small old man who decides to tell his life story to the receptionist. I wave the computer monitor in her direction to get her attention to get her to encourage the conversation to end. She doesn’t take the hint. I can feel the time ticking away before the immobiliser kicks in I can see the big Countdown clock ticking away.
Finally he takes a seat and I step up to the counter.
“HelloI’mFromIT” I do my intro in rapid fire and inform the receptionist it’s a replacement for the computer that got burnt in the fire[3].
“Ok you just need to sign in” She tells me. I hold up the PC and monitor one in each hand there isn’t enough room on the counter to put them down.
“Could you possibly do it?” I ask.
“Well it wouldn’t be you signing in would it/” She retorts. Really. Really! Is what I’m thinking but what I do is some how balance all the gear in one of my huge and manly arms and scribble something down. I’m then lead to where the fire was by one of the women from the back office.
“Ok so the desk has been put in but some one from estates is coming sometime this week so you’ll need to come back after him to put the wires through the holes” She tells me.
“Why don’t I come back then and connect it all up at once” I ask
“Ohh I suppose you could do that the rooms not going to be used for a while yet.” she replies. Awesome sauce I’m so out of here, I’m just about to leave when she continues,
“No you best plug it in now so we know it works”.
“Ok fine whatever”
“Now these wall sockets haven’t been tested and we think they might be damaged because the fire went all along the inside of it.” She tells me as I slowly move the plug back from the potentially lethal socket.
“Um humm. Well you get a sparkie in to sort that for you and I’ll come back after to plug it in.” I say “ I’ll just bring the rest of the stuff in. I dash out and bring the printer in and leave it all in the room. Then go to reception to sign out.
“Oh don’t worry I’ll sign you out.” The receptionist tells me, I’m just about to say something when I remember my car and run out. Imagine if you will the tune from Countdown at the end. Yes that’s right I’m too late.
I rub the blipper furiously on my leg but it’s no good the batteries have Dodoed on me. I’m not going anywhere fast here so I decide to ring for a lift from someone to go get some batteries. Yeah that’ll happen without a phone won’t it. Do you hear that? That was a little piece of me dying right there.
I whip out my trusty leather man and after much stabbed hands manage to pick off the back of the blipper and dig out the batteries, two small round ones, I place them in my palms then clasp my hands together like I’m praying, I then rub them together like Mr Miyagi when he’s performing his healing rub. I place the batteries back in the blipper, try it one last time before I face the long walk home. The blipper works! Miyagi power for the win!
Returning home Dan has replied to my email requesting someone to tell me my mobile number[4] so I use the house phone to locate my mobile, which was hiding in my pillow case; I have no idea. I call Katie as she is currently staying at her parents house[5] and I’m meant to be going over. I try to explain about my car problem but my brain is fried and I don’t do a very good job, I tell her I need batteries for my blipper and I’ll ring her back afterwards.
Mystery Bob greets me with a deep hearty hello as I walk confused into his shop. I return his greeting then eye up the batteries he has on sale, none of which as the ones I need. I turn to him and ask if he has the ones I need. He disappears behind the counter and returns with what I need. He has everything behind that counter. Everything.
I replace the batteries in the blipper and check it on the car, it’s all hunky doory. Now to ring Katie and tell her I will be over.
Except now I can’t find my phone again. This time I manage to track it back to my shoe. I left it on the table charging, I don’t know how it got in my shoe to be honest I didn’t even think twice about it, if it wants to live in my shoe let it.
Katie and myself sit down in front of the TV and begin to unwind. When there is a knock at the door.
“Oh you’ll have to go I’m in my pyjamas” Katie tells me. I dutifully go and answer the door while she herds the dogs into the front room. I open the door to a guy with a Florissant work vest on and a gym bag slung over his shoulder.
“Hello, here’s my card.” He begins ”I’ve just got out of prison” Oh please don’t tell me your going to say you have to legally inform me your living in the area.
“I’m part of a scheme that allows me to work for ten days….” My face goes slack and I tune out like I do when everyone is doing their pitch as I wait to be able to get a word in to tell them I’m not interested. Some time passes.
“….So do you have thirty seconds so I can show you my gear and you can buy something” He finishes.
“No, I’m not interested thanks” I say and make to close the door.
“How can you know you’re not interested, you’ve not taken a look”. His tone takes on an angry edge. Well because I don’t want anything at the moment I pretty much have everything I want, if I want something I go out and buy it. I decide to shorten it to
“I don’t want anything”
“What kind of house is this” He asks as he peers round me
“What?”
“I bet it’s a private house isn’t it”
“I don’t live here” I just throw it in to confuse him. He looks confused for a minute before he continues.
“You don’t get shit like this at a council house they buy stuff, you private houses are all stuck up” He produces a wad of cash from his pocket “see I’ve been round there and they’ve bought loads” He’s angry and aggressive making pointing gestures trying to look round me.
“That’s nice, but I’m not looking to buy” I tell him
“I’m trying to make an honest living here, if I wanted to I could of gone round back and fucking robbed you.” Now I’ve been patient and rather nice up until now I would say. He’s come round to a house trying to hawk his wares interrupting a meal I’m having with my fiancée and getting aggressive, now I don’t like it particularly directed at me, I’ll let it slide though, but what he’s just done is suggest breaking into my future inlaws house, a house that my fiancée is staying at, which would put her at risk; and I don’t like that kind of thing.
I straighten up from my sloughing position and turn full to face him and give him what Katie would probably call my three chapatti stare [6], which generally means I’m about to rip your spinal column out and beat you to death with it. There’s a long pause. I hold his gaze. He leaves, reminding me I forgot to take out the trash this morning, well better late then never I supposes [7].
[1] Why is it always thin air? Why not fat air? Or looking good but you seem to of put on a few pounds air?
[2] I mean come on she’d left her child alone in the car park while she was away doing what? I don’t know probably meth.
[3] probably arson, there was a smashed window and a missing monitor.
[4] Come on it’s not that strange why would I need to know my own number, I never ring it.
[5] she has car problems and her parents house is next to her work.
[6] after an incident at a restaurant.
[7] Too cheesy? :)
BeepbeepbeepbeepSMASH “shaddaup”
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BeepbeepbeepbeepWACK!!SMASH!!! “…jushfivemore….min…ats….”
……….
….
Beeepbeep “Alright already I’m up..I’m up!” I turn off the alarm and get out of bed “stupid indestructible alarm clock”.
It’s cold. Oh so cold. I slowly sort out my cloths for work and lay them out on the bed next to my mobile phone and key card for work then pad through to the bathroom turning on the shower. I let its warm welcoming water wake me up then head back into the bedroom and get dressed. I head down stairs to get some breakfast but there isn’t time if I want to make it to work on time. Stupid alarm clock why didn’t it wake me. So I grab my coat and head out to the car.
As I start the engine, I don’t know why but I check my pockets to make sure I have everything; I don’t. My phone is missing so I head back to the house to get it.
“Yeah. That’s where I left it.” I gesture to the end of the bed. “So where the hell is it?” The thin air[1] doesn’t seem inclined to answer me, so begins a search of the house from top to bottom which ends in me not finding the phone and being late for work.
The morning passes pretty uneventfully as I get equipment ready to take out in the afternoon to do some pressing jobs. With the exception that to get the equipment from stores I have to do our stores man a favour and help him bring down 20 PCs from the third floor. He doesn’t know how or why they are up there they just are, apparently. The person we’re meant to be getting them from isn’t there so we ask his co-worker were they are.
“I need to see some ID before I can let you have them.” Comes his nasally reedy voice. A flash of some ID appeases him. “I’m sorry but I have to ask everyone. Because security is everyone’s responsibility. I ask everyone. I mean everyone.”
“Yeah that’s great and all but can I get the PCs?” I ask.
“Yeah I’ll ask anybody for ID I don’t care who they are” He babbles on. I really have no earthly idea what the hell he is on about. I let him continue for about another ten minutes before I finally get an answer to the PC question and of course he can’t give them to be because he doesn’t know and we’ll have to come back another day when the guy who knows where they are is back in, of course he doesn’t know when that guy is back in.
Come the afternoon and I finally get out on the road and Dio is telling me it’s heaven and hell. I’m finally relaxing a bit when I pull into the car back of my second to last job. I exit the car and lock it. Well attempt to lock it any way by blipper for my central locking system isn’t working. The batteries must be on their way out so I lock the car manually and go inside. After a meeting with someone who is making about as much sense as a crack smoking George W. Bush I return to my car, unlock it and start the engine.
“Yeeeeaahhhhh, forgot you had an immobiliser didn’t you.” I mutter as I bang my head on the steering wheel in annoyance. Lifting my eyes I see a small boy child watching me with mild amusement on his face. I rub and press the blipper
“come on baby” I mutter as I press the unlock and the green light on it lights up. I turn the key the engine starts! The immobiliser kicks in the engine stops. I say several obscenities to the great amusement of the child.
“I am not going to let this happen to me” I think to myself. “I am not going to become some car park amusement for small children, having to spend the rest of my life living of the scraps of food that they give me if I amuse them like roman nobles and their gladiators. Well you little grot I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next!”
I furiously rub the blipper on my trousers to try and get it working. Of course this would be the moment that the child’s mother decides would be a good idea to show some previously lacking parental skills [2] and come to collect the child. Now apparently if you’re outside a car and someone is furiously rubbing a key blipper on their trousers it looks like they are doing something a bit different. I know this as she put her hands over her childs eyes gave me a look of absolute disgust and led the child away.
Just like The Animals I got to get out of this place. I offered up a prayer to the machine god and tried the blipper. It locked the car, it unlocked the car, I was in business the engine started and I was away.
I stopped my car at my last job, this was probably a bad idea given the trouble at the last place but I had a car full of expensive computer equipment I didn’t want on display. So I got out of the car and tried the blipper, no dice. Ok I would have to be quick then there is a grace period before the immobiliser kicks in. I get the PC out of the car, there is still the large laser printer to still take in. I lock the car and rush into the building.
At the reception there is a queue, so I try to skirt round it and go into the office behind reception but the door is locked. Tapping it gently with my foot gains the attention of one of the girls in the office I heft the computer in her direction, and she looks down and continues typing away. I tap again a bit louder. I’m ignored. So I go back to reception the queue has at least gone down there is just an old man at the desk. Just one old man. Oh yeah just one small old man who decides to tell his life story to the receptionist. I wave the computer monitor in her direction to get her attention to get her to encourage the conversation to end. She doesn’t take the hint. I can feel the time ticking away before the immobiliser kicks in I can see the big Countdown clock ticking away.
Finally he takes a seat and I step up to the counter.
“HelloI’mFromIT” I do my intro in rapid fire and inform the receptionist it’s a replacement for the computer that got burnt in the fire[3].
“Ok you just need to sign in” She tells me. I hold up the PC and monitor one in each hand there isn’t enough room on the counter to put them down.
“Could you possibly do it?” I ask.
“Well it wouldn’t be you signing in would it/” She retorts. Really. Really! Is what I’m thinking but what I do is some how balance all the gear in one of my huge and manly arms and scribble something down. I’m then lead to where the fire was by one of the women from the back office.
“Ok so the desk has been put in but some one from estates is coming sometime this week so you’ll need to come back after him to put the wires through the holes” She tells me.
“Why don’t I come back then and connect it all up at once” I ask
“Ohh I suppose you could do that the rooms not going to be used for a while yet.” she replies. Awesome sauce I’m so out of here, I’m just about to leave when she continues,
“No you best plug it in now so we know it works”.
“Ok fine whatever”
“Now these wall sockets haven’t been tested and we think they might be damaged because the fire went all along the inside of it.” She tells me as I slowly move the plug back from the potentially lethal socket.
“Um humm. Well you get a sparkie in to sort that for you and I’ll come back after to plug it in.” I say “ I’ll just bring the rest of the stuff in. I dash out and bring the printer in and leave it all in the room. Then go to reception to sign out.
“Oh don’t worry I’ll sign you out.” The receptionist tells me, I’m just about to say something when I remember my car and run out. Imagine if you will the tune from Countdown at the end. Yes that’s right I’m too late.
I rub the blipper furiously on my leg but it’s no good the batteries have Dodoed on me. I’m not going anywhere fast here so I decide to ring for a lift from someone to go get some batteries. Yeah that’ll happen without a phone won’t it. Do you hear that? That was a little piece of me dying right there.
I whip out my trusty leather man and after much stabbed hands manage to pick off the back of the blipper and dig out the batteries, two small round ones, I place them in my palms then clasp my hands together like I’m praying, I then rub them together like Mr Miyagi when he’s performing his healing rub. I place the batteries back in the blipper, try it one last time before I face the long walk home. The blipper works! Miyagi power for the win!
Returning home Dan has replied to my email requesting someone to tell me my mobile number[4] so I use the house phone to locate my mobile, which was hiding in my pillow case; I have no idea. I call Katie as she is currently staying at her parents house[5] and I’m meant to be going over. I try to explain about my car problem but my brain is fried and I don’t do a very good job, I tell her I need batteries for my blipper and I’ll ring her back afterwards.
Mystery Bob greets me with a deep hearty hello as I walk confused into his shop. I return his greeting then eye up the batteries he has on sale, none of which as the ones I need. I turn to him and ask if he has the ones I need. He disappears behind the counter and returns with what I need. He has everything behind that counter. Everything.
I replace the batteries in the blipper and check it on the car, it’s all hunky doory. Now to ring Katie and tell her I will be over.
Except now I can’t find my phone again. This time I manage to track it back to my shoe. I left it on the table charging, I don’t know how it got in my shoe to be honest I didn’t even think twice about it, if it wants to live in my shoe let it.
Katie and myself sit down in front of the TV and begin to unwind. When there is a knock at the door.
“Oh you’ll have to go I’m in my pyjamas” Katie tells me. I dutifully go and answer the door while she herds the dogs into the front room. I open the door to a guy with a Florissant work vest on and a gym bag slung over his shoulder.
“Hello, here’s my card.” He begins ”I’ve just got out of prison” Oh please don’t tell me your going to say you have to legally inform me your living in the area.
“I’m part of a scheme that allows me to work for ten days….” My face goes slack and I tune out like I do when everyone is doing their pitch as I wait to be able to get a word in to tell them I’m not interested. Some time passes.
“….So do you have thirty seconds so I can show you my gear and you can buy something” He finishes.
“No, I’m not interested thanks” I say and make to close the door.
“How can you know you’re not interested, you’ve not taken a look”. His tone takes on an angry edge. Well because I don’t want anything at the moment I pretty much have everything I want, if I want something I go out and buy it. I decide to shorten it to
“I don’t want anything”
“What kind of house is this” He asks as he peers round me
“What?”
“I bet it’s a private house isn’t it”
“I don’t live here” I just throw it in to confuse him. He looks confused for a minute before he continues.
“You don’t get shit like this at a council house they buy stuff, you private houses are all stuck up” He produces a wad of cash from his pocket “see I’ve been round there and they’ve bought loads” He’s angry and aggressive making pointing gestures trying to look round me.
“That’s nice, but I’m not looking to buy” I tell him
“I’m trying to make an honest living here, if I wanted to I could of gone round back and fucking robbed you.” Now I’ve been patient and rather nice up until now I would say. He’s come round to a house trying to hawk his wares interrupting a meal I’m having with my fiancée and getting aggressive, now I don’t like it particularly directed at me, I’ll let it slide though, but what he’s just done is suggest breaking into my future inlaws house, a house that my fiancée is staying at, which would put her at risk; and I don’t like that kind of thing.
I straighten up from my sloughing position and turn full to face him and give him what Katie would probably call my three chapatti stare [6], which generally means I’m about to rip your spinal column out and beat you to death with it. There’s a long pause. I hold his gaze. He leaves, reminding me I forgot to take out the trash this morning, well better late then never I supposes [7].
[1] Why is it always thin air? Why not fat air? Or looking good but you seem to of put on a few pounds air?
[2] I mean come on she’d left her child alone in the car park while she was away doing what? I don’t know probably meth.
[3] probably arson, there was a smashed window and a missing monitor.
[4] Come on it’s not that strange why would I need to know my own number, I never ring it.
[5] she has car problems and her parents house is next to her work.
[6] after an incident at a restaurant.
[7] Too cheesy? :)
