What You Talkin' 'bout User?

They're easily startled and docile animals but due to their stubbornness, thickheadedness and penchant for being thicker then the bastard offspring of Katie Price and any given footballer. Is there such a creature? I confess I don't know but Great Maker it's entirely possible given the amount of footballers she has slept with. Is there actually any footballer she hasn't slept with? If the England team got their balls in the net as often as they did her we would of won the world cup.
I am of course talking about that strange breed of creatures called Users. Their ways are strange to us but we must be understanding to them as they suffer from a metal disease called "Donthaveabloodyclueitius". One of the symptoms is that they will say stuff that has little or no resemblance to what they actually want to say. Don't fear though because here are a few from my book of knowledge on users that I will use to enlighten you now to the meaning of some of the common things they ask for:

Log Number	What They Say	What They Mean
249	I can’t figure out how to work my monitor	I have not made any attempt to figure out how to work my monitor
106	I need help with this	Do this for me
387	Hey, quick question…	Hey, several dozen lengthy questions…
426	We need to give MegaTec a call to get this sorted	You need to give MegaTec a call because I bought some software/hardware from them before consulting IT and it doesn't work and I'd rather you looked like an idiot then me.
14	I don't know what happened	I poured my drink into it.
325	Has anybody got you a drink yet?	Would you like a drink. If you say yes I will look really put out by you and come back an hour later with what looks like mucky dishwater
88	Debs got a new computer?	Why haven’t I also got a new computer? I want a new computer NOW!
139	Thanks for showing me how to do something in Word	I will now ring your direct line everytime I have any problem with Word. I willl also tell all my collegues to do this. I don't care that it bypasses the call loging process and makes it appear you've spent ages doing nothing.
320	I need this website unblocking, it's for work	I need this website unblocking, It's to watch naked ladies at work
212	I don’t trust that other IT guy.	That other IT guy is Asian
389	My son is a wizz with computers	I think my eight year old could do your job better then you
389a	My son is a wizz with computers	I think my eight year old is a genius, even though he did just actaully wizz on my laptop; that's what the smell is
389b	My son is a wizz with computers	My eight year old came in and messed up all the computers in the office. I still think he's smarter then you.
381	I copied you on an e-mail a while back…	By copying you on an e-mail, I actually expected you to completely handle it despite the e-mail being primarily addressed to someone other than you and nothing to do with IT.
414	It's doing it again.	That problem you sorted out five years ago has happened again, due to me messing with the computer, I expect you to remember it perfectly without me telling you what has happened.
235	You didn't/Did do something that I didn't like.	Someone else from IT didn't/did do something that I didn't like, but I couldn't remember their name so I'm blaming you. Also I've emailed all the directors telling them about your incompatance.
198	The Printer is broken	The Printer is out of paper
198a	The Printer is broken	The Printer hasn’t telepathically divined what I want it to do
198b	The Printer is broken	I broke the Printer
324	You were rude to me!	You told me I was a stupid idiot who didn't know my arse from my elbows and it would be a great boon to the human race if I dropped dead before I procreated. Your comments upset me because they were accurate.
648	The room is ready for the computers now.	There are no desks, cabling or even a celing for the office yet but I want my computers. Even though you have the computers ready I will still blame IT when the project falls behind schedule.
501a	The computer won't turn on.	The computer isn't plugged in.
501b	The computer won't turn on.	The computer is plugged in but the socket isn't turned on.
501c	The computer won't turn on.	I'm pressing the monitor power button instead of the computer one.
501d	The computer won't turn on.	There is a power cut to the building, why doesn't my computer work.
501e	The computer won't turn on.	I poured my drink into the computer and now it won't turn on.
159	I want a bigger monitor	Please decrease my moniors screen resolution
404	I'm sorry.	****UNKNOWN. HAS NEVER HAPPENED**** see also 498 "Thank You"

UPDATE: Since writing this I've been told that Katie Price apparantly does have a baby to a footballer Dwight York. Apparantly he has several physical and mental problems. While I am of course sorry that this is the case, I can't help feeling that this also proved the point I was making.