The Jury


I know that you're not supposed to talk about what happened during jury service but now that It's over I think I should be alright. So I'd like to tell you a bit about it so that you can understand the process as it's quiet fascinating. Here is the closing proceedings from my case, as best as I can recall.

"..causing a massive rupture which resulted in unsurvivable injuries" the medical examiner finished his report.
"Thank you." the coroner begins "That all seems fairly straight forward, I shouldn't imagine the jury have any questions for you. You may st.."
"Actually sir" I interrupt "I have a question for him, if it pleases the court, sir."
"Hummm very well, you may ask away." replied the coroner.
"Thank you sir." I start "Now Doctor, have you seen these photos of the crime scene that have been passed around? I'd like you to take a look at this one here" I point to the photo on the second page. It's a long shot of what's left of the body and the surrounding area.
"Yes. I see it" Says the Doctor looking at his copy.
"Good, now can you see over here by the drain. It's a little hard to see but that's a cigarette butt isn't it"
"I don't know I can't really see it properly."
I turn to the coroner "Sir could you have a look with your magnifine glass then pass it round so everybody can look"
The coroner produces his magnifying glass and looks at the picture then passes the glass round to have a look.
"Now that you've had a look” I continue to the Doctor "would you say that that's a cigarette butt"
"Yes; I would say it appears to be so" he replies
"You'll also of noted the purple filter; a trait unique to the Imperial Elephant brand"
"Erm yes" the doctor shifts uneasily in his seat.
"Tell me doctor, do you smoke?"
"Of course not I'm a doctor I know about the multitude of risks associated with smoking"
"Really? Well that does surprise me because as I was waiting this morning to enter the court I'm sure I saw you outside smoking."
A bead of sweat runs down his cheek "I'm sure you must be mistaken."
"Really? Would you mind?" I cross the room and reach into his top jacket pocket and produce a packet of Imperial Elephant cigarettes
"Oh,...uhm...yes. Those. I just bought those today on the way here to calm my nerves, you see"
"Yes. You just bought a extremely rare and expensive packet of cigarettes on your way here, a brand that if I remember correctly have to be specially ordered from the internet."
"I don't see what relevance this has to anything"
"Neither do I" Cut in the coroner "I myself enjoy a good smoke with my brandy. Hummm speaking of which I think now would be a good time to take a little break, so we can all….get...errrm....refreshed."
"If you could just indulge me for a minutes longer sir" I say turning to the corener "I'm nearly done"
"Well...hummm....you may proceed. Be quick though I think we're all a little...hummm...parched."
"Thank you sir" I turn back to the Doctor before continuing "You're right of course, what a man smokes doesn't matter, even if it is a very rare brand that was also found at a scene of a suspicious death. However as I recall reading about in the Times paper about six months ago a man had been murdered and there was a picture of the crime scene. I couldn't help but notice that nestled in the drain at the back of the picture was a filter from an Imperial Elephant cigarette. I know what you’re thinking Doctor" I raise my hand to appease him as he starts to object. "You're thinking, what does this have to do with this case. Well it's simple really; You smoke Imperial Elephant Cigarettes, cigarettes can cause lung cancer. You know other doctors in the medical field specifically Dr James "the Jackal" Jackson, who was your room mate at University." I turn to the jury, "Who as I'm sure you will have all read was recently struck off the medical register for performing unnecessary and illegal operations for money." I turn back to the Coroner "You are the coroner for this district and you will therefore perform the autopsies on the dead bodies. Who would notice if organs went
missing. Say a Lung. You do have lung cancer don't you. With NHS waiting lists as they are you don't want to wait around for a donor to become available so you took things into your own hands. Unfortunately your first victim also had lung cancer so you couldn't use his lungs but our current victim here doesn't does he."
The Coroner jumps out of his seat and produces a bone saw and quickly grabs the judge holding the saw to his throat.
"You can't do this! You can't send me to Jail!" he screams at me. "I'm a doctor"
I pick up the prosecutors apple from his desk that he was going to have for lunch and hurl it at the coroners head, it smashes against his temple and he goes down in a heap.
"The doctor is out." I say to the cheers of the court room.



And that is exactly how I recall it happeing when I did Jury service.